Why some students push our buttons so much (and how understanding countertransference can help)
Photo by Noelle Rebekah on Unsplash
Rosie is whispering while her classmate is presenting their final project. I’ve told this class a hundred times that we need to be quiet while our peers are speaking and yet there’s Rosie, whispering away. I feel my temperature rising and I’m already getting mildly upset thinking about the hallway conversation Rosie and I are going to have, AGAIN, about her talking in class. Why does she always, always do this? Why does it make me feel like such a bad teacher, who can’t even get one student to pay attention?
…and why am I so mad at Rosie but totally forgetting about the other student she’s whispering with?
Over the course of a teacher’s career, we may build relationships with hundreds to thousands of children. If you’ve taught, you know that a handful of these students seem to stick out for us personally. Sometimes this is about a strong connection, where some students just feel like kindred spirits. Other times, a student seems to be able to push our buttons in a uniquely irritating way. Why am I mad at Rosie even though her friend is equally part of the whispered conversation? In fact, why am I mad in the first place when this is pretty typical high school behavior, and a run-of-the-mill part of my job?
Emotionally reacting to students is a normal part of being in relationship with lots of humans, but for better and for worse sometimes these extra-strong responses can impact our ability to best serve our students. This is where I find a concept from psychology to be particularly helpful in making sense of (and working through) these relationships: countertransference.
[A note: teachers are not therapists, and I’m not suggesting we become therapists - read here for more on that. This post, instead, encourages us to apply a therapeutic concept to teaching as a way to better understand our teacher-student relationships, as well as establish and maintain healthy boundaries.]
You’ll most often hear countertransference as a term used by therapists to discuss their relationships with clients, but the term should resonate with a lot of educators. Let’s start with some definitions. These both come from the paper What’s Bred in the Bone: Transference and Countertransference in Teachers (Sherry, Warner and Kitchenham 2021, p 138)
“Transference is an unconscious process in which a person projects feelings from a person in the past to a person in the present.” For example, a student who seems especially bothered by you because you remind them of their dad may be experiencing transference.
“Countertransference is an unconscious process in which a helping professional (e.g., teacher) transfers feelings from the past to a person in the present (e.g., student).” For example, if you are struggling to set limits with a student because they remind you of your own challenges as a child, you might be experiencing countertransference.
Here’s another way to think about countertransference according to Jeffrey Benson, whose book Hanging In contains a very helpful exploration of the concept: “it basically means you are getting too personally caught up in a situation. Something about your own life and needs is clouding your ability to see the student for who [they] really [are], and to do what needs to be done for the student” (p. 59). Here are a few of the warning signs Benson describes that may indicate countertransference among the adult team (from p. 60 of Hanging In):
“When half the adult team is outraged at the student’s behavior and the other half wants to protect the student”
“When you want to make an example of the student”
“When you are irritated by the way a student looks, or talks with friends, or laughs, or sits”
“When you wish you could take the student home with you”
Countertransference helps us understand why one student’s behavior may irk us more than another student doing the exact same thing, or why we may feel more protective of one student than their peers going through the same challenges. Something about our life experience as educators has shifted the way we see or interact with a student.
It’s not wrong to experience countertransference. In some ways, it’s inevitable. We’re humans and we shouldn’t be expected to bury our natural reactions to the people we’re surrounded with. Noticing countertransference can even provide helpful insight so we can improve our relationships with our students, and our own well-being. So we shouldn’t try to avoid countertransference or feel shame about it. At the same time, we are responsible for how our countertransference translates into action.
For example, I might be experiencing countertransference if I’m getting annoyed by one student being snarky to me when I don’t have that reaction to their friend doing the exact same thing. It’s totally fine for me to notice and acknowledge that I’m feeling this way. But the minute I start disciplining the first student more harshly than the second, I’ve allowed countertransference to impact my practice negatively. My students aren’t responsible for my emotions.
So how do we work through this?
When we’re aware of countertransference, we can work through it. Here are some steps for transforming our experience with countertransference.
Notice the signs of countertransference
Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
What emotions does this student evoke in me? (You might also notice sensations in your body around this student versus others - do you find your shoulders tensing, for example, or chest tightening?)
Are these emotions similar or different than most of my other students?
Are these emotions more intense than how I typically respond to other students?
When I talk to other teachers about this student, are their feelings similar or different?
How are my emotions impacting my actions connected to this student?
Step back and step into your circle
Once you notice yourself experiencing countertransference, it’s time to give yourself some space from the student evoking it and call in your circle of support to move forward. This might look like:
Give yourself 24 hours before addressing any (non-emergency) behavior challenges with this student, or otherwise buy yourself time to get out of the “heat of the moment” so you can process your emotional response
Turn to an accountability partner (a fellow teacher, administrator, school counselor, your own therapist, etc) to talk through your approach to this student and help you get a more objective view
Collaborate with other members of the adult team when making decisions with/about this student - the student’s family, school counselor, other teachers. Don’t go it alone! Here are some sentence starters you can use to ask for help:
“I’d like another perspective on this student. I’m too close to the situation to see it clearly.”
“I’m having a hard time being objective about this student because of my own stuff. Can we talk it through?”
“I’m out of ideas for this student right now but I know there are some other ways to move forward. Can you help me brainstorm?”
Pay attention to patterns and seek your own support
Patterns of countertransference can illuminate things we need to work through in order to show up for our students and ourselves. For example, if you notice that you experience countertransference with a string of students who all remind you of a particular person (say, a former student, a family member, or even yourself), that probably points to something from your past that needs further processing or understanding so it doesn’t keep creeping into your interactions with others.
How you work through these patterns is personal to you and your life, but there are many options from journaling to therapy and mental health counseling to spiritual and cultural healers, among many others. How you move forward is up to you, but when we do human services work like teaching, we are responsible for the impact of the emotions we bring to the relationship. Therefore, it’s our responsibility to tend to our emotional health.
Students deserve adults who take their own SEL seriously
Adults must actively attend to our own social and emotional skill-building to do our best work with students. Our life experiences, histories, and relationships do impact how we show up for our students. Ignoring this can become an equity issue, leading us to treat students differently for factors outside of their control, even if we’re doing it unconsciously. Becoming more conscious and aware of our countertransference patterns allows us to see students more clearly for who they are and what they need.
As a teacher, this shouldn’t be all on you. Teachers deserve structures that support our emotional work. For example, schools can use reflective supervision to support awareness of countertransference and other dynamics impacting student relationships. Contracts should include adequate health coverage and time off policies that allow teachers to access mental health support. School leaders can design structures that support mentorship and growth in adult SEL. We need these systemic changes so teachers can step into the challenging work of being human together with students.
After checking in with my favorite coworker about Rosie, I realize that I have some things to process in my next therapy appointment and exactly zero of them are Rosie’s fault. My coworker reminded me that I’m a competent teacher and I have the skills to work through challenges with a pair of chatty students (not just Rosie). I feel like I got a reset and can see the situation more clearly now that I’ve named it as countertransference. We can all move forward and build a stronger learning community with this awareness.
